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The further you push me away, the more I begin to enjoy viewing you from a distance.
My coworker`s inspire me to drink on the job.
When I get home the first thing I`m going to do is rip my wife`s panties off. Because they`re too small and the elastic is killing me.
A fun way to give your man a little scare is to ask him, "Do you know what tomorrow is?" and watch the panic set in.
I`m not really much of a plumber, but I have laid some pipe before.
The only excuse for the kinds of storms that have been coming is that someone somewhere is losing a game of Jumanji...
Nuclear physicists can be lots of fun. They`re often referred to as the half life of any party.
Convincing my dog I really threw the ball is the closest I’ll ever get to being a magician.
“Shh.. Do you hear that?” “What? I heard nothing.” “Exactly, it’s the sound of no one caring.”
It doesn`t take much to make a woman happy, but it takes even less to make her mad.
If all the worlds a stage and the men and women merely players, how come Justin Bieber gets all the airtime?
Breaking news: Newt saw his shadow. Six more weeks of campaigning and attack ads.
I know the light has changed twice people but I`m playing air drums until Moby Dick is over...sit back and enjoy the show please...
Pro tip: Go the the gym on one of those 1 day free passes, take 365 selfies then post one every day.
When I text someone and they don`t text me back, I automatically assume that they fainted from the excitement.