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I don`t know how the law of averages works, but you`d think after 25yrs of marriage I`d be right at least once
Your kid is running around the store screaming at the top of his lungs annoying everyone and I`m the a$$hole for tripping him?
How many people here have telekenetic powers? Raise my hand.
I`m happy that my grandma thinks that a iPad is for wet and leaking eyes
No way I’m the only one who crosses their fingers, closes their eyes & holds their breath when checking their account balance.
It’s what’s on the inside that counts, unless you’re talking about one of those hollow chocolate bunnies.
When I woke up this morning everything in my house had been stolen and replaced with exact replicas... WEIRD..
Life is just like a p@nis: Simple, relaxed and hanging freely, It`s the women who make it hard.
Understanding women number 476,395: Women like to talk about their feelings.
Mondays feel like biting into a chocolate chip cookie only to find out it`s oatmeal raisin.
Life…it’s just an “F” in lie.
"I`ll drink to that." -me to my next drink
I think 90% of the software on my computer doesn`t do anything except send me notices that there`s a new version of it!
Coffee shops should have a separate line for people who are late for work.
If you kept one of those jars where I`d have to put in a quarter every time I swore, you would be a billionaire by the end of the week.