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Having kids is like continually cleaning up after a huge party that you didn`t attend.
Christmas came early this year! My neighbor just upgraded our internet speed... I mean his internet speed. Or whatever...
I have no idea who is gonna die first in this movie, because everyone is white.
Excessive consumption of alcohol seems like a good idea.
I’m better at remembering people who have bad breath than important historical facts.
These old people at the bus stop really suck at paintball.
Just because you have a beard doesn`t mean you`re a man. Last time I checked vaginas can grow hair too.
I don´t like people who can´t make fun of themselves. It just makes more work for me.
I don`t mind being wrong, as long as nobody knows.
I never wanted to grow up, I just wanted to be tall enough to reach the cookies.
I don`t take steroids because I never want to look like I`m capable of helping my friends move.
You can lead a horse to water but I`d rather ride it to the liquor store.
I just hope my stalker doesn`t tell my dentist how infrequently I floss.
Being handed a flyer is the offline version of a pop-up ad.
I went shopping for some camouflage trousers earlier. Couldn’t find a pair anywhere.