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Not to cause a panic but i`m starting to think we`re running out of things to stuff inside pizza crust.
It`s so hard to find obedient minions
My kids don`t even know they have a grandma that gives them $100 on their birthdays
It’s not you. It’s me finally realizing that you’re terrible.
Everyone always talks about the early bird. How about the early worm? How´d that work out for him?
You know you`re getting old when cops make you feel safe instead of nervous.
Me: But where do you see this relationship in five years? Her: Sir! For the last time, do you want extra cheese or not?
I`d bite my nails less if there wasn`t always chocolate frosting under them.
I was so angry when I found my wife’s profile on a dating website. That lying b!tch isn’t “fun to be around.”
Relationship status: Are you gonna eat that?
You don`t appreciate a lot of stuff in school until you get older. Little things, like being spanked every day by a middle aged woman. Stuff you pay good money for in later life.
*during sex,I suddenly stop moving* Her: What are you doing? Me: SHHHHH It`s ok...I saw this on Pornhub, It`s called Buffering!
Did you know dryer sheets double as toilet paper and leave your a$$ smelling like meadows and rain drops?
Tried to donate blood today but they had too many questions about where I got it.
To the individual who sat outside in their car, across the street from our house, at 530 am and had Led Zepplens Immigrant Song blaring at full volume, I have one thing to say to you! AWESOME CHOICE DUDE!!!!!!!