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I`m surprised carving faces into vegetables after pulling out their innards isn`t incorporated into more American Holidays.
I only say "God bless you" twice. If you sneeze a third time I assume you cant be blessed and you`re a demon who must be destroyed.
Stovetop Directions: 1.) Use microwave.
Yawning is our body`s way of saying 20% of battery remaining
Happy July 22nd! Today isn’t a holiday, but you’re alive and well, so why not celebrate?
If your house doesn`t have house numbers on it, you need to address that situation.
I was just chatting with my cat about how being lonely can make a person crazy.
I`m growing a mullet to test our friendship.
One way to know if someone is lying to you is if their facial mole is in a different place every time you see them
So this guy pointing a gun to my face was like: Your money or your life! and I was like: I`m on Facebook, I don`t have money or a life.
I never wanted to grow up, I just wanted to be tall enough to reach the cookies.
Is it just me or do mirrors look really sexy?
The way to win the lottery is to choose the correct numbers in the correct sequence before they are announced. (You’re welcome)
Silence is Golden, but telling some people to go f*ck themselves is PRICELESS...!
Dreams are like pictures. I don`t care about yours unless I`m in them.