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Once in a while you meet a person that makes you smile when you think about them. They`re trouble. Stay away from them.
As a kid, i was afraid of the dark. Now as an adult, I love the dark because I am terrified of the electrical bill.
Iām the kind of guy who dreams about naps while Iām asleep.
Seeing a spider isn`t a problem. It becomes a problem when the spider disappears.
I regret nothing but mostly because I can`t remember most of the stuff I should probably regret
Admit it, you have that one voice that you only use on animals and babies.
I am deleting my twitter right now! Not to seem paranoid but I think people are following me!
I wouldn`t pay for a personal trainer, but I would pay someone to just knock unhealthy food out of my hands.
I`m not sure how many problems I have because math is one of them.
We all have that one friend that needs to learn how to whisper.
Accidentally missed the freeway exit for home, now I`m heading north to start a new life.
I had my Crayola guy re-run the numbers,,, and there`s only 36 shades of grey
If people would moan loudly during a pat down, the line would move much quicker.
Girls here`s an idea, instead of spending all that money on makeup. Just buy your guy a bottle of Jack Daniels.
You`re the reason why I wake up every morning... Just kidding, I have to go to work.