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According to my nipples, summer is over
Its weird that goldfish will eat other goldfish but wont eat goldfish crackers. Life sure is complicated sometimes.
"Haha" - me when I don`t understand the reference
You`re the reason I wake up every morning... Just kidding, I have to goto work.
If your dog weighs less than 10lbs, it`s technically a cat
Just used the "f word" over on FB so I`m waiting for the villagers with their torches, axes, whatever those people use.
I went to a vegan restaurant once. Wait, no, that was just a florist.
Double Stuff Oreos should just be called Oreos, and regular Oreos should be called Diet Oreos.
Every shape I had to learn above octagon was just a total fu*king waste of time.
Girls with tattoos on your tits, Why? We`re already looking at them.
A hot woman telling me about her boyfriend is like setting money on fire in front of a homeless person.
You can pick your friends, and you can pick your nose, but you can`t flick your friends out the car window
Friday Night Inspirational Message: You miss 100% of the shots you don`t drink.
At this point I`m just waiting for summer to be cancelled completely.
Boyfriend: Why do you watch the Food Network it doesn’t make your cooking any better? Girlfriend: Why do you watch porn?