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No matter how many lasagna’s you stack on top of each other, ultimately it’s always just one lasagna
Behind every strong woman is a man that she needs to open jars and get things off high shelves.
The only Spanish phrase you need to learn is, "I know you guys are talkin sh*t about me."
Your kid is running around the store screaming at the top of his lungs annoying everyone and I`m the a$$hole for tripping him?
The way my kids act at Walmart, it`s just a matter of time before the security camera footage is a hit reality show!
I`m not lazy, I`m in energy saving mode.
I`ve had such a bad week First my girlfriend got run over by a bus, then I lost my job.. ..as a bus driver
Just picked the remote up off the floor with my foot while laying on the sofa so I guess today is leg day.
The Internet: 1% information 1% jokes 98% outrage over information and jokes
I want to die peacefully in my sleep like my grandfather did, not screaming for their lives like the passengers in the back of his truck
Why does it have to be bacon OR sausage?
Still waiting on the "Once you go black, you`ll never go back" episode of Mythbusters.
If guns don’t kill people, but people kill people, then doesn’t that mean that toasters don’t toast toast, but instead toast toasts toast?
Watching these gymnasts doing the balance beam is making me feel really bad about almost missing the couch.
My flock of sheep were stolen from my farm last month. I`ve not been able to sleep since.