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Fun Fact: A pizza will never sleep with your best friend behind your back.
They don`t make pizza or beer out of celery. And that is all you need to know about celery.
Lil Wayne is 10% African-American and 90% tattoo.
The recipe said “Set the oven to 180 degrees,” so I did, but now I can’t open it because the door faces the wall.
You know you`re getting older when you play GTA and spend 3 hours just walking around the map trying to find where you parked your car.
All bad decisions are ultimately made using the same piece of resounding logic: “Screw it.”
I`m not a control freak. I just know what`s best...for everyone.
CNN needs to reevaluate the use of Breaking News. Perhaps "Latest Speculative News" or "We Really Don`t Know Shit" would work. CNN call me.
Never do anything that you wouldn’t want to explain to the paramedics.
Just remember, every day is a gift from God. Well except for Monday.. Satan slips that one in. He’s a sneaky bastard.
Called AA by mistake. Those drunks can`t change a tire for sh*t.
I get a real kick out of people who drive a mile in their car to run a mile on a treadmill.
75% of my day consists of looking at the clock and not believing it
Do feminists look under their beds for the boogie woman?
It`s no fun having nothing to do, fun is having a lot to do and doing nothing.