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My favorite part of the day? The food part.
Actions speak louder than words when you smack someone in the back of the head with a shovel
I was walking past the mental hospital the other day, and all the patients were shouting, `13...13....13...13.` The fence was too high to see over, but I saw a little gap in the planks and looked through to see what was going on. Some idiot poked me in the eye with a stick. Then they all started shouting. `14...14...14...14....
Just used the holiday card with your kid`s face on it to scoop up a dog turd in the living room.
What do you get when you inject human DNA into a goat? Apparently banned from the petting zoo...
I hate when men`s restrooms have no urinals and a bunch of women in them.
A new heavy metal Christian Rock band will soon be releasing their debut album. They`re called Nuns `n` Moses.
You’d be more impressed with me if you never met anyone else.
Things you need to know about me: 1- I`m lazy 2- hmm, one is enough
I`m starting to think that Dr. Dre isn`t a real doctor after all...
who`s smart idea wus it to name a monkey Donkey Kong??
When you`re a kid, dick jokes are considered adult content, but when you`re an adult, they`re considered immature.
See, I would run, but it`s usually bodies of joggers that are found dead in the woods.
You have 600 friends on Facebook but you have to take your own picture of yourself for your profile photo.
Keep your friends close and your unattractive enemies closer so you look better by comparison in pictures.