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I always like to keep a nice photo of myself for my Facebook profile pic because that is the picture that will be splashed all over the news when I finally go off the deep end.
Life is like chocolate...sometimes you gotta deal with nuts.
In honor of St. Patrick`s Day, I`m going to create a hybrid of a four leaf clover and poison ivy and give myself a rash of good luck
Sometimes I think, "Screw this, I will just be a stripper." Then I remember I am fat and I can`t dance.
Someday we’ll look back on all this and pretend not to remember it.
slugs are snails that are going through a divorce
If I gave you a penny for your thoughts I`d totally be expecting some change back.
I`m having trouble telling if it`s killing me or making me stronger
Love is a two way street but you have to be careful because women can’t drive.
If A Couple in Love are called Love Birds, then a couple who fight with each other should be called Angry Birds.
I hate when someone has a loud conversation on their cell phone and then gives me dirty looks for jotting down everything they say.
A good way to mess with a jogger is to run up along side them and say "I think we lost them."
Sorry I mispronounced your baby`s name you made up.
The early bird gets the worm! So does the late bird. They all get worms all the time; there`s tons of those things. Relax, there will always be a lota worms......
I`m ABSOLUTELY positive I`d accidentally kill myself within 3 minutes of owning a light saber.