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Trust me, you want me medicated!!
Just once when they interview a serial killer’s neighbor I’d like to hear them say “Yeah, that doesn’t surprise me, he was a real Weirdo”
When your life flashes before your eyes does that include the black outs? That`d be cool. Like your life but with never before seen footage.
Remember the good old days when LOL meant "Laugh out loud" and not "I can`t think of a good reply"?
I have my own version of Whole Foods, where I eat the Whole Pizza, Whole Box of Donuts, Whole Bag of Chips...
Isn`t it strange that bankruptcy attorneys don`t let you make payments....
Stretch pants are like Wonder Bras for your butt cheeks
Male or female, no one f*cks with you if you put your lipstick on like The Joker.
The existence of the `snooze` button tells you everything you ever need to know about the human race.
Why are there never any good side effects? Just once I`d like to read a medication bottle and see "May cause extreme sexiness."
If you enter a room and there`s no food, you`re in the wrong room.
It`s a bird.. it`s a plane..no wait..it`s a blade of grass....
Nothing is impossible.. Never Give Up.. I know a guy that once actually guessed correctly why his girlfriend was mad at him.. :|
I just realized we cook bacon and bake cookies, get it together English.
I was at the hospital earlier today and saw a cute girl with a cast on her leg. Naturally, my first thought was "Hey, this one can`t run away..."