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How did human beings express empathy before the phrase "that sucks" was coined?
"You know, I wish I`d never gone to the pool that day." ~Marco Polo
Some days, I think that Dexter dude has the right idea.
Life is so much funnier when you have a dirty mind.
A leaf blower, but for people.
Shout out to the post office for delivering my recycling to me every day.
You can either agree with me, or you can be wrong.
If you get excited that jumping on the bed won`t spill the wineglass on the other side, you`re probably an alcoholic.
I hate brushing my teeth at night because that signifies that you cant have anymore food and im just never ready for that kind of commitment
Not to brag or anything, but I don`t need alcohol to make really bad decisions.
I have found my sleep number and it is eleven, eleven beers.
There are two types of people I can`t stand. Nosy people, and people who won`t tell me what`s going on.
A cute thing I tell my kids when we see a dead deer on the side of the road is, "Looks like Santa lost his temper again."
There are no absolutes in this world. Except vodka.
“Until death do us part,” means we will all be single in heaven, right?