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wondering if today is a good day to implement my plan...
I want the job where you push scared skydivers out of a plane
Iām gonna have to get new pets, Iām running out of passwords.
It`s cute how my wife thinks I can read her mind when I can`t even dress the kids properly.
Know the rules well so you can break them effectively.
If my father taught me one thing, it was probably how to take both hands off the wheel to sarcastically applaud people in traffic.
You have two choices in life: You can stay single and be miserable, or get married and wish you were dead.
Clearly, it is wrong to describe woman`s menopause as "the old Fallopian tubes finally rusting shut." My bad.
I know karate, jujitsu, judo, taekwondo and 28 other dangerous words. Still wanna` mess with me?
Save water- shower with me!
There are more important things in life than Facebook and Twitter, like watching TV and having a beer.
I hate it when I`m trying to take a selfie and somebody calls my camera.
Your trophy wife is more of a participation trophy wife, isn`t she?
Every pizza is a personal pizza if you eat the entire thing.
I`m tired of making the same mistakes over and over again. Does anyone have any new mistakes I can borrow?