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I’d be more motivated to work out if the stationary bikes had a little basket to hold my snacks and beer.
India launched a rocket to Mars yesterday… That’s a heck of a place to put a call center.
Note to Self: Next time I leave my wife a message that I`m in a threesome all afternoon, specify it`s golf.
Lots of us suffer in silence. You should try it.
To me, suicide seems selfish. For all I know, someone else might want to kill me
Married sext: I`m not wearing any underwear, because you never put the f*cking laundry in the dryer like I asked you to 100 times
Pokémon means a totally different thing if your stuck in a Jamaican prison.
For Lent I`ve decided to give up my New Year`s Resolutions
I just realised that sex is like air..its not important unless you are not getting any.
My cat just dragged in a half eaten sausage, I have no idea where he got it from but it tastes expensive.
I`m known all over the world for my exaggerations.
7 billion people on this planet and I can`t find one who doesn`t annoy the f*ck out of me.
I’m moving to Africa. Apparently there I can eat for 12 cents a day.
Sometimes, half your sh!t is worth it.
I refuse to take a single bite of my food until I find something good on TV.