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I lose all respect for myself when I bite my own tongue. I`ve been chewing for decades, how did I manage to f*ck that up?
Why I don’t like people: 1% logical reasons. 99% just because.
I have a new rule: No one is allowed to talk to me for a minimum of 24 hours after I wake up.
The phrase “Don’t take this the wrong way.” has a zero percent success rate.
Anyone else ever thought about farting into one of those plastic cylinders at the bank drive-thru?
This girl next to me in class has a piece of tape over her laptop webcam. This can only mean she’s made some serious mistakes in her past…
Your duty as a friend is to LIKE my Facebook posts even if they suck.
Please come see my theatrical dramatization of the history of puns ... It`s a play on words.
I wish they made barstools with seat belts and dual side airbags.
One does not simply log out of their friend`s facebook account without making them gay.
I`m sorry baby, but me & you are not going to work out. We are going to watch tv.
Me: There has to be a way I can lose weight! Friend: Eat healthy? Exercise? Me: No, that`s not it. Keep thinking! We`ll figure this out.
Putting on deoderant and colonge because you haven`t showered in days, is as about as useful as shutting the lid on a toilet after its overflowing.
I`m no super genius, but I bet the most effective way to lose "baby weight" is to have the baby.
With my luck, I’ll die and get reincarnated as myself.