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Violently swerving your car will not throw a spider off the window. Doesn`t work like it does with humans. Just in case you need to know.
Doctor: How`s your headache? Patient: She`s out of town.
I forgot to pay my bill to the exorcist and so I got re-possesed.
Life Tip: Tell your guests your house was just broken into and fake cry, they will clean it for free!
Has anybody tried unplugging Congress and then plugging it back in?
The Never Ending Story should`ve been a movie about a phone call from my Mother
The guy below me obviously has never seen R2-D2.
My bank is the worst. They`re charging me money for not having enough money in my account. Apparently, I can`t even afford to be broke.
A good way to mess with a jogger is to run up alongside him and say, “It’s okay, I think we lost him.”
Yoga is a great way to meet and embarrass yourself in front of women
Success, like a fart, only bothers people when its not their own.
Give a man a fish and he`ll go to McDonald`s instead. Teach a man to fish and nope, still McDonald`s
Maybe if I tilt my head to the side I can understand English – dogs
None of my girlfriends even know they`re dating me.
I don`t go on Facebook much so Dave, if you`re seeing this, thanks for the invite to your 2007 New Year`s party, hope you had fun dude.