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When people ask me what I did over the weekend, I always squint and respond “Why, what did you hear?”
All my childhood invisible friends are probably doctors and lawyers now.
To a woman, sexual harassment is when a man makes advances towards her. If a woman makes advances towards a man, we call that getting lucky.
I`d be willing to sleep my way to the top if it actually meant sleeping.
Facebook should win an Emmy for Best Daytime Dramas.
Zombies only eat brains. You’re safe.
I think the golden rule for men should be, don’t say anything to a woman at work that you wouldn’t want another man to say to you in prison.
Just once I`d like to see someone in a movie call bullshit when someone tells them their phone number starts with 555
Kids, because why would you want to sleep on more than 6 inches of your king size bed?
The older I get, the more I sympathize with Squidward`s anger.
Mirrors don`t lie. Lucky for you, they can`t laugh either.
How do Amish girls know if it`s a romantic candle lit dinner or just a regular one #DeepThoughts
Buying someone flowers is kind of a weird idea. Like: Hey, these are for you, now watch them slowly die, because I love you.
I am the type to fart in a crowded train and get just as upset as everyone else.
The Olympians stories are amazing! The Ukrainian whose family was killed, the Korean who escaped slavery, the American who never had wifi.