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Denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance…the five stages of me hitting the snooze button in the morning
The Shining is my favorite movie about what can happen when you spend too much time with family.
Netflix doesn’t care if u showered or not
Hi can you fill this prescription please? Sir this is just a post-it note with `give me the good stuff` written on it.
I live in fear that one day the real "World`s Greatest Dad" is going to show up to reclaim his rightful mug.
Was asked what I look for in a relationship. Apparently, "A way out" wasn`t the right answer...
Every time I start to feel happy I remember the shingles virus is already inside me.
Its ironic how the colors Red, White and Blue represent freedom... until they are flashing behind your back.
Finally, my winter fat is gone, now all I have are spring rolls.
The best part about being an adult is, nobody can tell you, you can`t have ice cream for breakfast.
You know it`s time to delete Facebook when your mom, dad, uncles, aunties, grandparents etc... is on it.
Experience is something you don’t get until just after you need it.
Co-worker: My wife`s an angel. Me: You`re lucky, mine`s still alive.
Im switching some friends from my Facebook account to my Fakebook account.
There is a special place in Hell for people who stop at yellow lights.