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You can stop lifting weights now; it’s actually your personality that nobody likes.
During Sex you burn as much calories as running 5 miles ... Who the f*ck runs 5 miles in 30 seconds.
I`m 28 years old, but in marriage years, I`m dead on the inside.
Getting married at 22 sounds alot like leaving the party at 9:30
You know you`re single when the only calls you get at night are Nature`s.
Somehow, going into The Dollar Store and asking for a price check just never gets old.
Apparently, when asked "In the event of a fire, what steps would you take?" "F**kin` large ones" is not the correct answer.
My wife told me: "Sex is better on vacation." That wasn`t a very nice postcard to receive.
Interviewer: "What did you like best about your last job?" Me: "Sometimes, people had birthdays and there was free cake."
The liquor store clerk just wished me a merry Christmas as if she weren`t going to see me 7 more times before then.
I can`t help but feel important when someone says there`s a special place in hell for people like me.
Underachieving Sunday through Wednesday, overachieving Thursday through Saturday.
If we’re not supposed to eat late, then why is there a light in the fridge?
I took the "Which 90`s Cartoon Are You?" quiz and got "You`re a fucking grown man. Stop it. Right now."
I sure could help a lot of needy people if I won the big Powerball draw. Mainly sales people needing a commission, but still...