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Next time you go to the bank and they ask you if you`d like large bills, just look at them dead serious and say "No, normal size ones if you don`t mind."
I was just awarded the first place trophy for laziness. All I need now is for someone to accept it on my behalf.
Laughter is the best medicine but if you are laughing without any reason, I think you need medicine
The recipe I am making says to chill for 30 minutes so I`m sitting back and having a margarita!
It isn`t a successful BBQ until some drunken idiot walks face first into a closed sliding glass door. I`m fine by the way.
Note to Self: In future interviews, don`t say "Safe in your strong arms" when the employer asks where I see myself in 5 years.
Shout out to people who are hard of hearing.
If I’m not eating I’m most likely not happy.
Is it even possible to calmly walk away from a dark basement?
My wife and I have been happily married for two years. 1997 & 2004
The guy that discovered milk.. What did you tell your friends were you doing to that cow? O_o
My dream job would be the Karma delivery service.
In heaven, the Cheez-Its are salted on both sides.
One man’s LOL is another man’s WTF.
In order to avoid hating myself in the morning, I sleep till noon.