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The other day someone told me I could make ice cubes out of leftover wine. I was confused... What is leftover wine?
How ignorant do I have to be before I start experiencing bliss?
Behind every great woman there is a man who loves doggystyle.
I wish I could just “like” a text so I don’t have to respond.
Stalking is such a strong word. I perfer the term surveillance expert.
People are like music, some speak the truth and others are just noise.
You know you`re getting old when you have to have a drink to motivate you to go out & have a drink.
Well, it`s about that time of the day when I stop hitting the snooze button, wipe away the drool, open the blinds, and head on home from work.
Sorry I said "at least it`s healthy" when you asked me how cute your baby was.
The only way I know if I`ve bought enough beer is if my car thinks I have a passenger
Internet Dating......The Odds are good but the Goods are odd
The saying, "Say no to drugs" has always made me laugh. If you`re talking to drugs, it`s probably too late to say no to them.
Every pizza is a personal pizza if you eat the entire thing.
Buy a "World`s Greatest Boss" mug and drink out of it in front of your boss.
I`ll sell my broken watch when the time is right.