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I wear a ski mask to bed so if there`s a home invasion, the intruder will think I`m part of the team.
Billy Ray Cyrus made a million dollars at a playgirl photo shoot. He just started taking his clothes off and they paid him to put them back on.
Sleep is like sex, you never get enough of it and sometimes it feels like it never happened at all.
If you never set it, you always have the excuse, "I overslept because the alarm didn`t go off."
Yes, bitches be trippin’ but maybe I pushed one.
Santa must be the bravest man around. Who else would let a bunch of deer pull them around in a sleigh during hunting season?
I`ve come to terms with the fact that I will never experience leftover pizza.
I think I could be a farmer. Except for the dirt, waking up early, wearing overalls and planting crops. But I wouldn’t mind driving a tractor around.
I bought a Tempurpedic mattress so that I’ll have an excuse to go to sleep with a giant glass of wine every night.
Peanut butter sandwiches taste better when cut in half diagonally...........Listen,, I don`t make the rules people.
The hardest part about going through a divorce is finding a hitman you can trust.
I`m afraid if I start working out, I`ll be too sexy
Thank God I still have a few days left to achieve my goal of “going to the gym in 2014.”
I speak my mind because it hurts to bite my tongue.
I bet there are muppets that have thought about shanking Elmo.