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I just love having sex with you...Next time I hope you are there with me.
My doctor said I needed to reduce stress. Great, now I have that to worry about.
ASKHOLE: A person who constantly ask for your advice, yet always does the opposite of what you told them
Think you`re going crazy? When you get there, look for me and I`ll show you around.
Slow dancing with a fat girl? More like moving a fridge by yourself.
Life is tough. It’s even tougher if you’re stupid.
Today`s interpretive dance was brought to you by "Spider On My Shirt". Up next we have "Oh jeeze, where did it go?!"
Don`t worry if you had a bad day, remember there are people who have their ex`s name tattooed.
When you are dead, you don`t know you are dead but other people do. The same is true when you are stupid.
Daylight Savings makes us lose an hour... It’s kind of like Facebook.
Love is... saving money to buy her shoes!
The bad news is I don’t know what I’m doing with my life. The good news is I no longer give a crap.
A homeless guy asked me for money today and I thought, sure, he’s probably just gonna spend it on booze and cigarettes. Then I remembered, that’s what I was gonna do, so we walked to the store together.
The self-driving car should have an "I`m Feeling Lucky" button that drives you to a random location.
If you expect the world to be fair with you because you are fair with them....its like expecting a lion not to eat you because you don`t eat lion.