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I thought we had something. You met my family, made us dinner, called me honey. Now suddenly you’re a “waitress” who was “doing her job?”
My coworkers should be less concerned about my job performance and just be happy I remember to wear pants each day.
Sarcasm and orgasm. Two things most people don`t get. Those who do are smiling right now.
Why is it called a menstrual calendar and not an egg timer?
It`s really crazy that you don`t hear a round of applause every time you order a salad.
My bucket list: 4 drumsticks, 2 thighs, 2 mashed potatoes with gravy, and 2 biscuits. Extra crispy.
Nascar would be so more entertaining if they threw banana peels and turtle shells.
Is it sexual harasment to say ho ho ho to a female coworker?
If anybody steals my identity, at least I’ll know who to look for.
Anyone who knows me obviously knows a shit ton about awesomeness.
You say illegal, I say added to my bucket list.
Before I lose my phone, end up naked, drunk and/or possibly arrested, I would like to wish you all a Happy Independence Day.
Don`t blame me, I was born awesome ;)
I always learn from mistakes of others, who took my advice.
Tip of the day: Don`t be a douche!