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I`m so unlucky with women? I visited a massage parlour the other day..and they told me it was "self - service"
I love you all so much right now because, well, alcohol.
Once your pants catch fire, the fact that you`re lying becomes less important.
The first person who discovered how to make popcorn must have been like "WHAT THE HECK IS GOING ON!"
If you lick the frosting off a cupcake it becomes a muffin, muffins are healthy :) your welcome.
I used to care what you thought of me, then I remembered what I thought of you.
I think the Discovery Channel should be on a different channel every day.
You know what makes sex awesome? Actually having it.
Iām alone in my car. Counting it as a vacation.
I`ll bet I`m the only one in this grocery store with "sh!t for tacos" on my shopping list.
I stopped watching the History Channel because it`s so outdated.
Hibernation should be a human thing too.
"Shit ton" is my favorite unit of measurement.
The only people without problems are in the cemetery.
I wouldn`t do much for a Klondike Bar; I would however get naked for beer.