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2 words, 1 finger.
The first rule of Right Club is that your wife is the only member of Right Club
I`m late on the give thanks every day in November thing... so let me catch up. Days 1-22. I`m thankful for boobs
I would’ve slept my way to the top years ago if it actually involved sleeping.
I don’t use Siri because I have to deal with enough women who have no personality and know everything.
All my life I thought air was free… and then I bought a bag of chips. ^^
Why did the Fresh Prince have to take a cab anyways? How sh!tty was that family that no one would pick him up from the airport?
You are right when you realize you were wrong.
That frustrating feeling when the microwave trips the circuit breaker and you have no idea how much longer your lunch needs to be nuked.
There are 15 year olds skating in the Olympics and I can’t even walk down my driveway in winter.
My last boyfriend used to smile and say "I love you" to me every morning as he left for work. At least I think that`s what he was saying. It can be tricky to lip read through binoculars.
I bet if you look up dictionary in the dictionary it says "don`t be an a$$hole"
Netflix would be by far the best dating site. "Here are 9 other singles in your area who have also watched Pokemon for 12 straight hrs"
If pulled over, immediately ask the officer if they`ve been drinking in order to establish dominance.
I don’t drink to forget about problems. I drink to create new problems that that make the old issues irrelevant.