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We live in a society that’s the most knowledgeable about a zombie apocalypse, but the most likely to be eaten while staring at our phones.
I wonder if more children were conceived because of alcohol or more alcohol was consumed because of children.
Is it a firm rule that you have to be an addict to check into rehab? Because that one in Malibu looks pretty nice.
Irish Handcuffs: Holding a beer in each hand.
The Supreme Court has ruled that they cannot have a nativity scene in Washington, D.C. This wasn`t for any religious reasons. They couldn`t find three wise men and a virgin.
It`s like my golf instructor thinks I`m mature enough to handle him talking about balls, and how to properly grip the club.
Sometimes, when people are talking to me, I daydream about what they would do if I suddenly punched them in the face.
You should have seen the guy who unlocked the liquor store this morning. It was like he never saw anyone roll up a sleeping bag before.
My grandpa has Alzheimer`s, so I just keep telling him he owes me twenty bucks.
Hey whiny kids with iPhones: when I was your age, I played with a stick.
My girlfriend went to the dentist for a cavity. It`s odd since she spends so much time in the bathroom with her electric toothbrush.
Yes... I repost. Isn`t that kinda the point? Spread the love and shit? Mostly shit... But that`s your fault...
If they made a movie of my life, it would just be a lot of scenes where I`m looking for something to wipe my hands on.
Cleaning a house while toddlers are in it is like brushing your teeth while eating Oreos.
Admit it: you have all tried to rap in the shower..