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Is there anyone called Phillip here? I found your screwdriver.
I was an adult once. Then I opened a Facebook account.
Hell hath no fury like your kid catching you throw away ANYTHING, EVER. I smuggle out broken crayons like a Mexican drug lord..
I`m lucky to be broke at a time when minimalism and sustainability are in style.
Walmart: the only place on Earth you can get a haircut, eye exam, ice cream sandwich, tires for your car, and witness a real life "what not to wear" episode.
So I met an Egyptian, they walk just like us.
Oh honey, you`re not pretty enough to be that stupid
My plan for today? Same as always: Drink coffee and be sexy.
To-Do List : Nothing[?]
Kinda makes you wonder how many employees used to piss on their hands in the bathroom before management finally took action
Madonna is 55 her boyfriend is 22. Tina Turner is 75 her boyfriend is 40. JLo is 42 her boyfriend is 26. Still single? Relax. Your boyfriend hasn`t been born yet.
I once dated a woman who thought windmills were solar powered. I`m so glad I don`t drink anymore.
I tried to give a cute waitress my phone number by writing it on the credit card receipt but accidentally tipped her 9 billion dollars.
Today`s the day I like to sneak onto the intercom at Walmart and say "would Jason Voorhees please report to aisle 13."
If you wear your old prom dress to the pharmacy, they`ll fill your antidepressants faster.