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Sometimes I say stuff without even meaning to be funny and I`m like "Man, my subconsicious is hilarious!"
I don’t have bumper stickers because I don’t believe in anything strongly enough to potentially get my car keyed.
Movies are so unrealistic. This guy`s using his computer to access an alien ship & not once has it asked if he wants to upgrade his Adobe.
Tyler on Facebook says he ran 1.7 miles this morning… So based on calculations, I have 35 minutes to ransack his house tomorrow morning.
If I had a dollar for everytime I was distracted, look squirrel!
Have you ever looked at someone and thought, "Yep, you have a person in your basement."?
I could write an entire book on excuses... but I have to drop my dog off at the airport.
My baby girl is so polite. I told her she needed to share and she said "No, thank you"
Say goodbye to your girlfriends cause I just bought a book on magic tricks
If my body is ever found dead on a jogging trail, just know I was murdered elsewhere and dumped there.
just keep scrolling nothing to see hear
The best revenge is to kidnap your enemy, tie him up, then pop bubble wrap in front of him and make him watch.
In honor of this years` Super Bowl participants respective States of residence, they`ve changed kickoff to 4:20 Eastern Standard time.
My scars tell a story. A story about a guy who`s really f*cking clumsy.
When you are not happy and would like to go back to being young, think of Algebra!