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The lottery gives you a 1 in 200 million chance you won`t go to work tomorrow. Alcohol gives you 1 in 5. You play your game and I`ll play mine.
I`m in hospital after eating what i thought was onions instead they were daffodil bulbs. Its ok doctors say i will be out in spring.
liked homework better when it was called coloring.
Checking the time on your phone twice because you were`nt paying attention the first time
Bending over ... preparing to do my taxes.
When I`m bored, I dress up as Waldo, walk up to strangers (in a crowded airport), and say "psssst... if ANYBODY asks......YOU ain`t seen me... capiche?"
These kids next door to me need to quit yelling. I`m about to wake up their mom and send her back over there.
Don’t be too flattered. If I’ve come up a fun nickname for you, chances are it’s because I’ve forgotten your real name. Sorry, Cowboy.
Don`t cry because it`s over, smile because for a few miles they believed you were the real bus driver.
Today is a great day. The mailman just delivered me an Iron Maiden cassette, which finally fulfills my Columbia House commitment.
How did anybody express anger before the invention of the caps lock key?
Every day is a constant battle of trying to convince myself I don’t like cookies.
Just once, I`d like to clock out from work by sliding down a dinosaur.
People would believe everything I say.. if it wasn`t for everything I say.
Sometimes I wish I was an octopus so that I could slap 8 people at once.