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Give Me A Minute While I Pretend To Care!
Didja ever get to know someone so well, that you wish you didn`t know them at all????
Is it called NASCAR because that’s the way a hillbilly pronounces “nice car?”
Adding lyrics when you don`t know the words or making words up when you don`t speak the language. ;)
Neat, your girlfriend is made out of the same stuff as your air guitar!
If anyone is looking for an unlicensed helicopter pilot give me a call. . .
It`s really crazy that you don`t hear a round of applause every time you order a salad.
had a great time horseback riding today but then I ran out of quarters
Facebook posts with 12 hashtags, who the f*ck are you trying to reach?
Love is like peeing on yourself: everyone can see it, but only you get the warm feeling that it brings.
My dream job would be the Karma delivery service.
Does running out of money count as exercise?
God is pretty creative. I mean, look at me.
There are 2 kinds of coworkers. The ones who keep iPhone 5 chargers at their desks and the ones whose names I don`t know.
The problem with drinking with people from work is they`re the ones I bitch about when I`m drunk.