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Why is it socially acceptable to wear a bikini at the beach but not on the bus? At the end of the day I’m just a guy in a bikini on the bus.
Don`t you just hate it when people say stuff in thier status that you really didn`t want to know? I hate that. Anyway, I gotta go poop. Talk to ya later.
You can always tell the guys that masturbate a lot by looking at their hands. If you look close enough you can see their wedding ring.
I`m too lazy to be a stalker. You`ll have to come here. Bring coffee.
Sometimes I think my job is actually a hidden-camera game show where they see how much absurd bullsh!t I`ll put up with before I catch on.
The unplanned moments tend to be the best ones.
Ladies, when a creepy guy asks for your # and hands u his phone, text REDCROSS to 90999 so he`ll donate $10 to Disaster Relief.
Hi, we`re a group of teens who solve mysteries! We wanna be taken seriously so we wrote a theme song about how we can`t ever find our dog.
My life is a result of "it seemed like a good idea at the time."
Please no one tell me what happens on the NFL today; I`m still on Season 8.
So can we just skip to summer now?
I’m glad we don’t have to hunt for our food any more. I don’t even know where sandwiches live...
You know what is cheaper than therapy? ... Admitting you`re batshit crazy and running with it.
24 hours in a day.. 24 beers in a case.. coincidence?
Growing up teachers always told me there was no such thing as a stupid question. Eight years in retail has determined that was a lie.