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I spend a lot of time holding the refrigerator door open looking for the answer.
May you never be as bored as whoever figured out that holding a seashell to your ear sounds like the ocean
I bet Jellyfish are sad that there are no Peanut Butter fish.
One day, I`m gonna wait for the Wal-Mart greeter to go on a bathroom break, step in their place, and begin welcoming everyone to K-mart.
The lottery is over $400 million. Sorry poor kids, no dinner tonight...
It`s just a matter of time before they add the word "Syndrome" after my last name...
The only thing worse than "the one that got away" is the one that won`t go away.
I don`t have a drinking problem, I just celebrate everything! Like the fact that shirts have armholes, I`ll be celebrating that tonight.
When I think of a SELFIE, I`m not sure it`s the same thing you`re thinking of...
Sometimes at the gym I`ll struggle and make all kinds of awkward grunting sounds, but eventually I`ll get my shorts on.
Relationships always start out as "You`re smart and funny." and end up as "You think you know everything and it`s all a joke to you!"
I got caught peeing in the swimming pool today... The lifeguard shouted so loud I almost fell in.
Another year has passed. I`ve just about given up on the Mayans.
You´d be amazed how often I´m wrong when people say guess what
Yo fellas, how did that “wow” comment you left on that girls Facebook picture play out?