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I bet there are muppets that have thought about shanking Elmo
I`m just here until I can make day drinking a full time job
If they just built prisons out of the sh!t they package electronics in, no one could ever escape.
This earthquake was the first time that I`ve ever said, "it was 4.7, but felt bigger."
If noone comes from the future to stop you, how bad of a decision could it really be?
Every time I hear the phrase, "Fire at will!", I can`t help but wonder, "What did Will do?!"
The trouble with children is that they´re not returnable.
This might be my ego talking, but I feel my weight-loss spambot followers care about me. They really, really, do.
I hate when people try to make small talk on the elevator. "How`s it going?", "How about the weather?", "Where are your pants?".
“I don’t know why people dislike jury duty. I think being able to play god with others’ lives sounds fun!” – How I got out of jury duty
I thought she would duck officer- me checking the psychic`s ability
Did anyone else go into a furious, violent rage when they found out that George Lucas filmed most of Star Wars here on Earth?
Everyone`s self worth should only be measured by how useful they would be in the zombie apocalypse.
Sir, no food allowed in the dressing rooms.` ... what, am I supposed to just guess the pop tart capacity of these cargo shorts before I buy?
Would buy you a drink but I would be jealous of the glass.