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I am not the same person at 8am and 8pm.
I`ll bet other dogs must think that poodles belong to some weird religious cult.
Just found a hole in my sock and now I`m worried that the whole drawer might be pregnant.
Studies show that 99% of Dans are not "the man."
When I`m in a bathroom stall, please don`t yell "Oh my God oh my God there`s a guy in here!" Respect my privacy.
I`ve been hitting "remind me later" for about the last 4 years on Adobe.
I love a woman in uniform. I mean naked.
If you think buying condoms is awkward, try returning them...
When butterflies fall in love, do they feel humans in their stomachs.
You mellennials and your obsession with public healthcare, back in my day we just died!
Babies are really cute until you meet one that`s not a picture.
Trying to remain humble but Iām the most famous person in my living room right now.
I don`t hate you, but I hope you fall in love and get married.
I`m not ignoring your calls, I just love my ringtone.
Hell is having a married couple tell you a story at the same time.