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My dog acts like his entire family was murdered by a vacuum cleaner.
I ran out of coffee this morning, whisky seemed like an acceptable replacement. Everyone is so pretty today.
Before meeting a hot chick, wish I could talk to the dude who`s sick of her bullsh!t.
How can it be considered stealing when the WiFi signal is trespassing in my house?
Some people can’t sleep because they have insomnia. I can’t sleep because I have Internet.
its not the up`s and down`s that bring you down...its the jerks!!
I`m that friend that you have to explain to people before you introduce me and apologize about afterwards.
it`s friday o clock
Which one of you is Moderation? I keep getting told we need to drink together.
lf the people in the movies listened to me, they would still be alive.
Whenever you feel like a genius, remember there was a time in your life when you were learning to not poop your pants.
As you get older your Christmas list gets shorter, because the things you want can`t be bought.
It needs more cowbell!!
Don’t cry because it’s over. Smile because your fingerprints aren’t in the database.
I got my panties all in a bunch ... You know those Wal Mart 10 pack cotton bundles.