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I like to go on job interviews wearing an eye patch and switch eyes when the interviewer looks down.
I know I have a long way to go but look at how far I`ve come.
I don`t mind helping people as long as I`m not slightly inconvenienced.
Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right and the other is the husband.
Never sit down in front of the computer while having breakfast because when you get up it’ll be dinner time.
The fox says you need to stop.
My life is like a romantic comedy except there’s no romance and its just me laughing at my own jokes.
Definition of insanity - Doing the same thing over and over again expecting different results
1st thing I do after great sex! Turn the alarm clock off.........
Non alcoholic beer is like porn movie on a radio
I feel sorry for people who don`t have dogs. I hear they have to pick up food they drop on the floor.
My iPhone has 2 million times the storage of the 1969 Apollo 11 spacecraft computer. They went to the moon. I text a lot.
How many Weight Watcher points are in an entire bottle of wine?
If I die, bury me with fire extinguishers. Because: Hell
I`m at the point in my life where "friend with benefits" just means a person who gives me their Bed Bath & Beyond coupons.