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I force my dog to watch animal abuse commercials just to show him how good he has it.
I got in an elevator with a lady with big breasts. She said could you press one for me please. I did and that was the last thing I remember
I pretend I don`t care but deep down I really still don`t care.
I always tell myself there is no such thing as a stupid question, but everyday someone tries to change my mind
The only human interaction I want for the rest of the day is the exchange of money between me and the liquor store cashier
Don`t look at me in that tone of voice...
I got this weird condition where I drink a case of beer and fall down.
If money cant buy happiness,explain beer!
If a woman is talking to me about her problems, I better be the cause of them.
My therapist just offered me my money back.
Take me seriously at your own risk.
An apple a day will keep anyone away ... if thrown hard enough.
Me, a morning person? Pfft. Most days I`m not even an afternoon person.
Inspirational status: Today’s probably going to suck. Don’t be a little bitch and handle that sh!t.
I hate when someone asks me where I see myself 5 years from now when I don`t even remember where the hell I was 2 days ago.