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My greatest talent is being able to watch 5 years worth of a TV shows in one week.
I asked my mom for money and she said "Does it look like I am made of money?" I said "Well isn`t that what M.O.M stands for?"
My wife gives me sound advice. 99% sound. 1% advice.
I was sitting in traffic the other day. That’s probably why I got run over.
I used to wonder what it was like to read people’s minds. Then I got a Facebook account and I got over it.
I’m going to start telling girls that I’m available for a limited time only in hopes that their shopping instinct kicks in.
If the river were beer and I was a duck, I would swim to the bottom and never come up..
My pants are 75% off.
*Spoiler Alert*--- Siamese cats are just one cat ... not two cats in one.
Resisting the urge to write "Just shut the f*ck up" on someones status.
I eat bananas with a fork, so I don`t look gay.
Me: My bed is so warm and cosy. I never want to leave. Bladder: AHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
It’s so nice outside I should probably close the blinds so there isn’t a glare on my screen.
I sometimes get road rage just pushing a shopping cart though a grocery store!
Life is not like a box of chocolates. It`s more like a jar of jalapenos. What you do today might burn your a$$ tomorrow.