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I am creating the first ever "flavored windows". They should make some of you very happy.
Sometimes, you can just tell it`s gonna be a "does not play well with others" kind of day.
Making everyone happy is impossible. But pissing them off is a piece of cake. I really like cake.
When in doubt, just do the opposite of whatever the person wearing pajamas in public is doing.
OK. Who decided to call it "possession of marijuana" and not "joint custody"?
People say love is the best feeling ever. However I think finding a toilet right away when you have diarrhea is better.
It’s getting harder and harder to find vodka-flavored vodka.
I might get a job cleaning mirrors,its a job I can see myself doing.
There’s a police helicopter above my house right now, so I’m cashing in and calling everyone who has ever said “when pigs fly.”
Don`t fall in love, learn how to ruin your life all by yourself.
You can either be right, or you can be the husband.
Friends are like condoms… they protect you when things get hard.
Never look directly at the people having a sizzling plate of fajitas delivered to their table... It’s what they want.
I have nothing to update. I`m just making it look like I`m doing something at a party so people won`t talk to me.
This spider just got away from me because I made the classic villain mistake of telling him my whole evil plan before killing him.