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I’m proud of anyone who has quit doing drugs and alcohol, I don’t want to hang out with you now… but I’m still very proud…
Stretch marks? You mean sick a$$ lightning tattoos.
If I hug you longer than 3 seconds, I’m picking your pockets.
Walmart: Because where else in the world can you pay $50 to have your oil changed by someone with a GED, find a sized 46H bra, or run the risk of being filmed live on location with the men and women of law enforcement on your way out the door.
Give up, itsy-bitsy spider. It wasn`t meant to be.
Some people should use a glue stick for lip balm
I love that little thing that you do...You know, the one where you leave.
I read in a book somewhere that we only use 12% of our brains....I wonder what the other half is for?
The best thing about smartphones is that you don`t have to refold maps anymore.
The word "Saturday" has "turd" in it. Good luck trying to ignore that for the rest of your life, starting now.
If the shoe fits, shove it further up their a$$
Welcome to Plastic Surgery Addicts Anonymous. I see a lot of new faces in the room this week and I`m very disappointed with all of you.
One time I threw a boomerang and lost it.. So now I have to live in constant fear.. O_o
My GF`s anti aging cream went bad ... How does anti aging cream have an expiration date?!
I`ve been diagnosed with a chronic fear of giants. Feefiphobia.