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I’m crazy but not “LeBron is better than Jordan” crazy.
I was halfway to the state line before I realized the sirens were part of the song that was playing
Now I lay me down to sleep, a bottle of vodka at my feet, if I should die before I wake, tell my friends I drank it straight.
The person that named the eggplant probably isn’t allowed to name things anymore.
A night of insomnia is usually followed by a morning of browser history clearing
I may have just inadvertently accomplished something
There are no problems which cannot be solved through suitable applications of high explosives.
The people naming dinosaurs should teach the people naming hurricanes how to name stuff.
Why is the guy who serves you at the restaurant called a waiter, when it is you that is waiting?
What does envelope 1 of 3 on my credit card bill mean?
Everything is legal when the cops aren`t around.
scratch here ¦¦¦¦¦¦¦¦¦¦¦¦¦¦ to reveal my status
I ordered a new GPS unit, but it got lost in the mail.
When I was a kid...no wait, I still do that.
Oh... the look on the Home Depot associate`s face when I asked him if the pruning shears will cut through bone... priceless.