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Please don`t wear skinny jeans if you don`t have skinny genes.
Nothing in the world is more expensive than a women who’s free for the weekend.
If I were invisible I`d go beat up a street mime...the applause he would get would be incredible
If I lived in England I would approach my boss on payday and say "pound me."
I got this weird condition where I drink a case of beer and fall down.
If you`re a girl and you drink Vodka... there`s a high probability, I love you.
People are always gonna talk about you, so you might as well give them something good to say.
I don`t know why people say life is short....this seems to be taking forever.
Most days the best thing about my job is that my chair spins
The next time you feel you`re worthless.... just remember.... your organs are worth a LOT of money on the black market.
Half-Drunk is a waste of money.
Sometimes when it rains I go outside with a cocktail umbrella and pretend I`m a Giant.
On the bright side, my coffee will never get cold in hell.
Most of the lies I tell aren`t even true!
My Son: The marriage vows say "tell death do us part", so we are not married in heaven ? Me: That`s right son, cause if we were still married, we`d be in hell.