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Seems like my body should have better things to do than make nipple hair.
When exactly are they going to make Xanax fit my Pez Dispenser?
If I had a nickel for everytime I told myself I`d quit smoking, I could buy a lot more cigarettes
STEP 1: Sign up for email newsletter STEP 2: Receive email newsletter STEP 3: Delete unread email newsletter for the rest of your life.
Accidentally used AOL.com, I betting the employees there are celebrating and think they have a sure future.
Protip: Never look up from your breakfast if you hear the words "gruesome discovery" coming from your TV on the morning news.
Imagine Ferris Bueller trying so hard not to Instagram his whole day off.
I use meditation and yoga to handle stress...Just kidding, I pop pills for that sh!t.
My girlfriend JUST spent the ENTIRE day arguing that she isn`t stubborn.. :|
If you lift up the handle on the car door at the same time I`m trying to unlock it more than two times, I`m driving off without you.
I`m not sayin you are stupid, I just said that you have bad luck when you`re thinking.
There’d be less accidents if there was a texting lane.
Today`s Big Idea: Coffee eye drops.
I think I really have an amazing butt, every time I talk to someone and start walking off they say,"what an a$$.."
I’m thinking there’s some type of filter that prevents normal people from like my page