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Scratching off a lotto ticket before you leave the store is a good way of letting people know that your life isn`t going according to plan.
Whenever I open my fridge, my dog looks at me with a puzzled look and he thinks, “why don’t you eat all the food?”
they say there`s love in every corner....gosh I think I`m moving in circles
Don`t forget, If anyone asks we are a normal family.
I like playing with my dog when I`m high. Because I don`t have one when I`m sober.
To all the lovely ladies here I`m not wearing green....to all the guys here, I know Ju-Jitsu. Just saying
Why can`t the ice cream man just get a freakin liquor license already
Called AA by mistake. Those drunks can`t change a tire for sh*t.
I’m not a vegetarian but I eat animals who are.
I was all ears until you said something that sounded like advice.
If a gay guy doesn`t write a book called "Fifty Shades of Haaaaaayyy" I`ll be disappointed.
Before having a kid the most important thing to ask yourself is “Am I ready to watch the exact same cartoon on repeat for the next 4 years?”
Men wear the pants in the relationship but women control the zipper.
I would`ve thrown a coin in the water fountain and wished for all the money in it, but I just waited `til it was dark instead.
This day needs more yesterday.