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I swear, watching people at a 4-way stop sign is like watching ‘Night at the Roxbury.’ “Him? Me? Oh Me? Me or Him?”
I`ve found that the best web designers in the world are spiders.
Never wake a sleeping woman. Because then she´ll be awake.
Take mentos and freeze into ice cubes. Put the ice cubes in your friend’s drink. After five minutes their drink will randomly explode.
I love everyone these days... Some I love to be around, some I love to avoid, and others, I`d love to punch in the face...
"I didn`t get your text" is the new "my dog ate my homework"
I get you, anti-evolution people. I`m too lazy to learn science too.
I am the undefeated champion of this”smooshing-down-the-garbage-so-I-don’t-have-to-take-it-out-for-another-day” game.
I like to start my morning off with a good nap.
A shark will only attack you if you’re wet.
Yoga is a great way to meet and embarrass yourself in front of women
Today I caught myself smiling ... I was thinking of you ... Don´t flatter yourself though, it was because you had a booger in your nose the last time I saw you.
"I" before "E" except after "Old MacDonald had a farm"
If you boil a clown, do you get laughing stock?
Women- God’s version of a Rubik’s cube.