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You call the shots. I`ll drink them.
Siri, destroy the vehicle in front of me.
I went to the bank and said I`d like to open a joint account. They said "With who?" I said "Anyone who has a lot of money!"
Sometimes I think I`m a relatively smart person. Other times I put my shoes on before my pants and realize who I really am.
FB friends, no one gives a ratsass what concerts you went to...
That kid looks like me. Somebody should warn him.
The number one key to a successful marriage is alcoholism.
Dating a woman in 5 easy steps: 1. Be attentive 2. Don`t be too attentive 3. Show interest 4. Don`t show too much interest 5. Seek therapy
How long a minute is depends on what side of the bathroom door you’re on.
I`m just going to start wearing a shirt to work that says "I`m good, thanks for asking."
I could defuse a bomb if it sounded like an alarm clock and I was sleeping.
If at first you don`t succeed, find out where she lives.
The older I get the earlier it gets late.
I would never survive a real job because I dont like being told when I can eat lunch...
Why do ballerinas always stand in their toes? Why don`t they get taller dancers?