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My fitness goal is to weigh what I told the DMV I weigh.
If you think this status is funny someone you hate will step on a lego.
Sorry I referred to your baby shower as a gift extortion party.
I finally figured out why men love belly rings so much on their women. It reminds them of the staple in the middle of their porn magazines!
Well, if anything, the Mayans did teach us one valuable lesson. If you don`t finish something...it`s really not the end of the world.
Next time a skinny bitch calls herself fat… I’m gonna agree with her.
This morning I got in touch with my inner self. And that`s also the last time I`ll buy cheap toilet paper...
If you ain`t laughin, you ain`t livin!
I just spent an hour at the gym. I couldn’t find a close enough parking spot so I left.
Okay kids don`t ever talk to strangers or take candy from strangers or go to stranger`s houses except on the day we worship the devil.
Driving isn`t even in the top 5 things I`m thinking about when I`m driving.
The only thing more amusing than someone leaving a voicemail is them asking if you actually listened to it.
I noticed you’re not yourself today. I really like it.
Apparently, the average person looks at their phone 150 times a day. Not me. I look at it just once. For about 12 hours.
if you don`t have anything nice to say, come sit by me, and we can make fun of people together.