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I wish you could order Karma like flowers and have it delivered.
Everyone has fitness goals and Iām over here like, if I burn this many calories I can eat a whole pizza.
I socially identify as the guy who tried to jump off of the sinking Titanic but ending up hitting a massive propeller on the way down.
How to know you have a sunburn: Smack the spot. If you scream in pain, its a sunburn
The recipe I am making says to chill for 30 minutes so I`m sitting back and having a margarita!
People who get offended on the internet are the same people that take mini golf seriously.
To this day, the boy that used to bully me at school still takes my lunch money. On the plus side, he makes great subway sandwiches.
There are two types of people in this world: people who pee in the shower and liars.
Nobody on television curses more than the Roadrunner.
I`ll be drinking tell I see Leprechauns tonight.
My husband told me that in some cultures women do all the housework, so I told him in some cultures blow jobs don`t exist. He`s vacuuming
Kids, because why would you want to sleep on more than 6 inches of your king size bed?
Walmart has their new Savings Catcher app... I`m thinking savings isn`t the only thing you will catch ...
All I want for Christmas is for these calories to not count.
I`m surprised people still ask me if I want to hold their baby given the number of times I`ve dropped my phone.