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Missed Connection: You were standing at the RedBox. I was in my car self pleasuring. I accidentally honked like 8 times.
I think stupid people were put on this planet to test my anger management skills.
It`s tough being a people person when you can`t stand most people.
Why can`t the ice cream man just get a freakin liquor license already
Mom: You haven`t moved since I left 5 hours ago? Me: Excuse me, where do you think these chips came from!!???
Finally, my winter fat is gone, now all I have are spring rolls.
The last time I saw something as ugly as your face I pinned a tail on it.
I think I`m the drunkest person at this bed bath and beyond.
A fun thing to do is take a group picture at a party. Then leave & print it at Walgreens. Buy a frame, go back to party, & place it on the mantel at the party.
I have said it before. I will at it again. If anyone is into wife swapping. I will take a dirtbike or a puppy. Hit me up.
For some reason, I`m an extremely secretive person. Don`t ask me why!
You`re never too old to ride in a radio flyer wagon but apparently you can be too fat.
I`d divorce my wife but I never want to see her that happy!
I just want to be rich enough to tell my boss, "you`re not the boss of me"!
You know you’re getting old when you have to have a drink to motivate you to go out & have a drink.