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Sarcasm: because snapping a neck is frowned upon in a court of law.
Do you think that the guy who invented the vibrator heard voices saying, "if you build it they will come"?
So,do people in England speaks American now that people in America speaks English?
The key to successful relationships is not to start any.
How do people rap? I can’t even talk without messing it up.
Let’s all take a moment and be thankful spiders can’t fly.
Nothing changes a Facebook relationship status faster than a weekend full of tagged photos!
Everytime I find the key to happiness, somebody changes the lock.
I ran into my ex the other day. I could have sworn the light was green.
If a guy remembers the color of your eyes after the first date, you know you have small boobs
The correct answer to "How are you?" is "Fine." If you ever stray from that dialogue, please know that nobody gives a sh!t.
If you`re going to be two faced, at least make one of them pretty
I’m writing this from the hospital. Don’t worry! The doctors say I’m going to be OK but I must warn you. The Dyson Ball Cleaner has a very misleading name!
Sometimes I wonder if I could get away with murder, but then I remember I can’t even eat pancakes without getting syrup all over me.
Apparently, driving past police cars while drinking water from an old vodka bottle isn`t `funny` and is technically `wasting` police time