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Do you ever have the urge to tell someone to shut up even when they aren`t talking?
You ever wonder why it`s only women who need exorcisms?
A hard thing about business is minding your own
I`m celebrating 1 year of sobriety today ... I think it was 1989 ... Cheers!
The only person whom a woman listens carefully & follows sincerely & does exactly as he says is a photographer
The snooze button, because there’s nothing like starting your day off with a little procrastination.
It takes a lot of balls to golf the way I do.
My doctor wrote me a prescription for dailysex but my girlfriend insists it says dyslexia.
No one`s lazier than the guy who came up with the name for Juicy Juice.
This Status Update could be yours for six Easy Payments of $19.99
IMPORTANT REMINDER: Sunday is Mother`s Day, which means Facebook is gonna be annoying as crap...
You think seven years is bad for breaking a mirror? Try breaking a condom.
My relationship status? Last night, in the elevator, I told a girl she had nice shoelaces.
You don`t get smarter as you get older. There just aren`t any stupid things left that you haven`t already done.
I`m broker than the Tooth Fairy in a house full of Meth addicts.