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I want to cover you in expensive things…like gasoline.
When I go into a bar I shout out "YOU CHEATING WHORE!!!!" Whoever turns around is who I`m buying drinks for.
You can always tell the guys that masturbate a lot by looking at their hands. If you look close enough you can see their wedding ring.
God is creative, I mean just look at me.
I try to live by two rules: 1. Don’t make fun of stupid people (they cant help it) 2. Don’t be stupid (people will make fun of you)
I always say "morning" instead of "good morning". If it were a good morning I`d still be in bed instead of talking to people.
The nighttime, sniffling, sneezing, coughing, aching, stuffy head, fever so I can rest medicine didn´t work. I´m going to try 1 bourbon, 1 scotch and 1 beer instead.
I call it a Cupcake Salad. And I don`t see how it`s any of your business.
Due to an unforeseen error during last night`s love making session I am forced to wear non matching socks today
I plan on being up really late tonight making voodoo dolls for, well, never mind, you will know who you are soon enough.
If women ran the world we wouldn’t have wars, just intense negotiations every 28 days.
I don`t think we appreciate this era enough. For instance, none of us will see old photos of our moms whoring it up on Instagram.
The best time to re-examine your life is when you find yourself reluctantly nodding to the questions asked at the start of an infomercial.
Relationship has 12 letters, but then again so does alcohollllll
Tequila, because sometimes you and your toilet need to hug it out.