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Girls love shoes… so if she throws one at you, you know she’s really pissed off.
Sorry I pissed you off, but I find you much more entertaining this way.
Let`s all play a game: For every political post, you must post 5 non political posts. #makefacebookhappyagain
I was an atheist, until I realized I was a sex god.
You call it free samples, I call it a free all you can eat buffet.
Had a pizza today without extra cheese. Dieting is hard
My New Year’s resolution is to save enough to buy a Velcro wall ... I plan on sticking to it.
I wish I loved anything as much as rappers love female dogs and gardening tools.
No one has ever been in an empty room.
I need a six month vacation Twice a year.
I went by the Gym today. Its the third time this week............. One of these day`s I might actually go in.
You should never answer your phone during sex, particularly if it`s your wife calling.
You`re right, vodka. This is the perfect time to use a hammer.
It`s nice to feel wanted. Even if it`s by the FBI.
I never drink unless I am alone or with somebody.