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I hate grocery shopping. That`s why I just steal a full cart when somebody turns away. I never know what I`m getting, but it sure is faster.
My wife is pissed at me again...appearently I am breathing wrong.
I like my coffee like I like my women, hot and a lot of alcohol in them
Heat causes things to expand, so I`m not fat; I`m just hot.
The word bed looks like a bed.
To understand paranoid people better, follow them around. Observe them. Write down notes.
What do people mean "get ready for bed"? I am ALWAYS ready for bed.
Time to turn over a new leaf ... With my luck it’ll be poison ivy.
May your life be as awesome as you pretend it is on Facebook.
Apparently members of the Westboro Baptist Church were outside a theater when the marquee gave way and came crashing down injuring several of them amidst their protest. Witnesses overhead many of the members muttering to themselves, "It must be a sign."
I`d care more about your feelings if they came with a toy and chicken nuggets.
Seriously, it’s almost 2014, can we please get some waterproof phones? I would like to text in the shower.
Facebook reminds me of what my grandpa always used to say, `Who are you people and what are you all jabbering about anyway?`
Truthfully, I`d like you all a whole lot better if you were bacon.
I like to track people down, knock on their front door and say "we have ten people in common on Facebook, can I come in ?"