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If I won the lottery, I don`t think I would change much. I`d still be the same asshole, just one in a helicopter.
I decided to tell the kids that Santa is made up but nighttime home invasions are very real.
I sleep better naked.. why can´t the flight attendants understand this?
I was told there would be kool-aid.
There`s no panic like trying to press "End" when you make an accidental call.
Why are clothes so expensive? I shouldn`t have to pay so much to not be naked. Other people should pay me not to be naked.
I got kicked out of my Community Theater group when the director asked to see me Limp. How was I to know he was talking about walking?
I bet there`s a rapper trying to figure out a way to replace his teeth with LED lights
I`m not antisocial. I`m pro leave-me-the-hell-alone.
ATTENTION: Upon further consideration, I am once again pushing back the debut of my summer beach bod. Thank you for your patience.
Think about how much more stressful life`s most stressful moments would be if accompanied by the running-out-of-time music in Mario Bros.
You`re the reason I wake up everyday. Just kidding I have a job.
If owls are so smart, how come they don`t say "Whom"?
I’m awkward when people compliment me. “Nice hair” “Thanks, I grew it myself”
I wonder if strippers have nightmares about accidentally going to work fully clothed?