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I had s*x with my friend`s wife last night and now I feel awful. She must have had the flu or something.
Why insult someone when you can say something nice in a very sarcastic tone.
I just ordered a Life Alert bracelet so if I ever get a life I`ll be notified immediately.
No PornHub, I would NOT like to share this video with my friends and family on Facebook.
I look forward to paying off all my debt so I can get back to just being broke.
The first guy who persuaded a blind guy to wear sunglasses, must have been a hell of a salesman.
Well that’s a wrap on another day where I act like I know what I’m doing
The internet...turning cowards into tough guys daily.
Just bought an exercise bike today because my treadmill works fine for laying my pants on, but it won`t accommodate hanging shirts on hangers.
If you get angry, just relax, take a deep breath and count to ten, unless you`re angry about oxygen and numbers.
The only reason I keep people`s phone numbers in my phone is to avoid their calls..
If owls are so smart, how come they don`t say "Whom"?
Whenever a stranger asks our baby’s name, I always say he hasn’t told us yet.
We are best friends. Always remember that if you fall, I will pick you up… After I finish laughing.
Sleep is my drug, my bed is my dealer, and my alarm clock is police.