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I’ve made some mistakes I wish I could make again.
You all take typos way too serious, you gays.
You know something bad is about to happen when someone says "Hold my beer and watch this."
Thank goodness I`m loud and obnoxious all the time, so my family can`t blame it on the alcohol.
How many different animals did we have to jump on the backs of before we discovered horses were cool with it?
I still remember the first time I lied about being able to time travel... It was 3 weeks from tomorrow.
WTF, marathoners? I don’t even like to drive 26 miles.
Sometimes, when people are talking to me, I daydream about what they would do if I suddenly punched them in the face.
If you were born after 1990, you will never know the frustration of having to rewind your parents porn tapes to the exact same spot...
So, which one of you is going to be the subject of your local news` annual turkey fryer accident story?
Putting on deoderant and colonge because you haven`t showered in days, is as about as useful as shutting the lid on a toilet after its overflowing.
A recent report shows that people who smoke weed get into 85% fewer car crashes than drunk people. Obviously. It`s a lot easier to see what`s coming when you`re only driving at eleven miles an hour.
I don`t know what I would do without Facebook, but I`m sure it would be something more productive
I wish they all could be Jerry Springer girls.
It`s the little things in life that count, like pills.